Apathy.

"Disappearing Reality, So used to apathy

I've wallowed in philosophy and doubt is in the air.

I see You i the distance, Through a mirror or two

I'm exposed to what's been made; I bear no excuse.

Take me, bathe me, change me.... in Your Love.

I smell Your resonation, in every conversation

I've touched the bloody holes of the hands that I've betrayed.

I've tasted Your saline river, gushing red and sorrow

But I am still afraid to drown and begin anew."

Apathy (n): a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. 

Maybe there's something majorly wrong with me. Maybe I'm just a bad Christian. I'm just so sick of it.  The bubble of a Christian campus has hardened its exterior and become a forcefield letting nothing neither enter nor escape. All of the... obsession [for lack of a better term] with the LORD is making me sick.  We have all become professionals at "going through the motions." We are like a piece of straw that has fallen into the river, blowing this way and that; We go whichever way the current takes us.  Yet no one can call our bluffs- with two decades of practice behind the majority of us, or if they can, they are afraid of acting in such ways themselves.  What happens when one of us breaks character and shows their true colors? 

The judgement has fallen upon us.

Yes, I know-

This is simply an attack from the devil, and GOD wants to continue bringing me from glory to glory, but what about when He's silent? Must we continue to pretend that we feel something that we do not? Must we continue to base our relationship and faith in our lover on emotion rather than reason? The quietness of GOD and the quietness within my own convictions are becoming grayer and grayer with each passing day.   

“In the silence of the heart GOD speaks. If you face GOD in prayer and silence, GOD will speak to you. Then you will know that you are nothing. It is only when you realize your nothingness, your emptiness, that GOD can fill you with Himself. Souls of prayer are souls of great silence.” - Mother Theresa 

Kay, cool. Thanks Mama T. But what about when in realization of my own emptiness I also find the emptiness of GOD the "religious practices" which were designed to help me find fullness in GOD?  I'll tell you what. These "practices"- this body (which I do realize I am a part of, and I am therefore condemning myself) looks so out of shape and disproportionate that I have found myself no longer interested in seeing the head attached.

Emptiness. Apathy. 

Apathy (n): a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.