Suffocating.

There always has to be a worst.


Be it a worst smell, a worst color, a worst car, 
and a worst summer.  


I miss life as I used to know it. I miss the easy, breezy life I used to live with the perfect friendships, the perfect grades, the perfect family, and the perfect life.  
I miss being the best at everything.  Not because I like being the best at everything, but because there were no problems to deal with.  


There has been too much growing up in too little time.  


√ (1) friend who comes out of the closet to me... and only me.
√ (1) roommate who's struggling to find a reason not to call it quits.
√ (1) brother who is not understood by anyone. 
√ (2) best friends with eating disorders.
√ (1) workaholic dad with anger management issues.
√ (1) mom who's bedridden and desperate for attention.  
...
and this all makes for 1 perfect disastrous recipe. 




And as much as it's been questioned lately, (no), I'm (not) depressed. And (no), I have (not) "changed." 
...okay...
maybe I've lied a little bit.  But they were just to protect those I love. 
Or maybe just to protect myself.  


Those near me are worried about me because I would rather spend my time with myself or my creator than with a group of imperfect people.  And I'm worried because it doesn't bother me. I know it sounds crazy, but if I had the choice, I'd spend my time without myself as well, 'cause I'm sick of myself. 


Oh, God! Please save me from myself! I'm suffocating down here! 


I struggle to find any joy. 


but if the first fruit of the spirit is joy, and I'm not showing any fruit (aside from fake fruit, of course), is the spirit really in me?


 I can see the devil attacking me from all sides-internally and externally- but I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight back. In fact, I know I'm not. But God is... 
even when I don't see him working? 


I'm past exhausted- spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. And this is not okay with all the other crap that's been going on in my life. 


So when I tell people my summer's going good, this is really what I want to tell them. And now I'm sick of hearing myself. 




"Will you think less of me if I tell you how I feel?
I'm as tired as a winter branch is in the trees in the field
That for so long have had to cary such a load 
and fear they may break at the next coming snow
There is love
There is beauty
And there is pain
and at the moment I can't help but feel 
that they are all the same."
-Bradley Hathaway