Apathy.

"Disappearing Reality, So used to apathy

I've wallowed in philosophy and doubt is in the air.

I see You i the distance, Through a mirror or two

I'm exposed to what's been made; I bear no excuse.

Take me, bathe me, change me.... in Your Love.

I smell Your resonation, in every conversation

I've touched the bloody holes of the hands that I've betrayed.

I've tasted Your saline river, gushing red and sorrow

But I am still afraid to drown and begin anew."

Apathy (n): a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. 

Maybe there's something majorly wrong with me. Maybe I'm just a bad Christian. I'm just so sick of it.  The bubble of a Christian campus has hardened its exterior and become a forcefield letting nothing neither enter nor escape. All of the... obsession [for lack of a better term] with the LORD is making me sick.  We have all become professionals at "going through the motions." We are like a piece of straw that has fallen into the river, blowing this way and that; We go whichever way the current takes us.  Yet no one can call our bluffs- with two decades of practice behind the majority of us, or if they can, they are afraid of acting in such ways themselves.  What happens when one of us breaks character and shows their true colors? 

The judgement has fallen upon us.

Yes, I know-

This is simply an attack from the devil, and GOD wants to continue bringing me from glory to glory, but what about when He's silent? Must we continue to pretend that we feel something that we do not? Must we continue to base our relationship and faith in our lover on emotion rather than reason? The quietness of GOD and the quietness within my own convictions are becoming grayer and grayer with each passing day.   

“In the silence of the heart GOD speaks. If you face GOD in prayer and silence, GOD will speak to you. Then you will know that you are nothing. It is only when you realize your nothingness, your emptiness, that GOD can fill you with Himself. Souls of prayer are souls of great silence.” - Mother Theresa 

Kay, cool. Thanks Mama T. But what about when in realization of my own emptiness I also find the emptiness of GOD the "religious practices" which were designed to help me find fullness in GOD?  I'll tell you what. These "practices"- this body (which I do realize I am a part of, and I am therefore condemning myself) looks so out of shape and disproportionate that I have found myself no longer interested in seeing the head attached.

Emptiness. Apathy. 

Apathy (n): a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. 

War.

It's time for battle, soldiers. 


The time is now. 


The enemy is advancing. 

See, I thought that he was just externally attacking, but alas, he is after the heart. And he is subtle. 

My apathy makes me sick. 

until God fought back

and he won't stop fighting

until I am His

"Place me like a seal over Your heart, like a seal on your arm. For Your love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. Many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it. If a man tried to buy love with all his wealth, his offer would be utterly scorned." 

He wants me, and I need Him. 

But the enemy is trying to steal me away from Him, trying to steel my joy. And if the joy of the Lord is my strength, yet the joy is hidden, where can I find my strength? 


And so put on your armor, for this is not an easy battle to fight. (don't let the enemy tell you otherwise)

Waiting.

I'm sick of waiting. 

Let me explain that...

Last night three of my best friends saw each other for the first time in three months.  Needless to say, it was necessary.  It was late, and we were laying on our beds with all the lights off.  You know how it is, when you can't see each other's faces deep conversations naturally arouse.  This was no exception.  We were all sharing about our summers. Not just what we'd been up to (we knew all that), but the really important stuff- the stuff that you can only share with your best friends.  

When it came to be my turn to share it got quiet. 

Very quiet. 

We all knew what was coming.

 And I hate being that person.  

But when I try to act like I have it together all the time, eventually I burst.  And who better to let the water flow than with your best friends?
            We all cried.  
And it wasn't just too much estrogen, either.  

The Spirit was moving. 

A thought one of them shared last night I never want to forget:

When we were younger, we used to think of summer as forever, and school just as something that we had to get done so that we could start living our "real life" again.  Once June came around each year, we could go back to that "normal life." But as we get older, we realized that school is our "normal life." It is most of the year, after all. Summer is simply a break from our normal lives.  it's the same way now with life.  We think of problems going on in our life as things that must go away before  we can go back to living a normal life.  But we have it all wrong.  The crap is our normal life.  Sometimes we get a break.  One day this will change.  We will no longer have crappy lives.  When we are in heaven, earth will be like a dream- not something that ever actually happened- kind of like school feels during the summer.  But we'll never have to go back.  School will be out forever. 

I don't know if this explanation makes sense to anyone else but me, and I think I'm okay with that. 


And so I say it agin: I'm sick of waiting.  


This nonsensical waiting seams so... wasteful. Is this all there is? Really? There's got to be more. But I thought that's where God usually came in.  


But what about for me, as a believer in Christ? Is this all there is for me? And I know it's probably a sin to think like that. But honestly- are we just waiting around until we can be in His presence? What's the point? 
I know, I'm being selfish. But when will all of it end? 

Rain.

I woke up today to another misty morning. The kind that when you drive, you never actually see the raindrops, but your windshield wipers still need to be on; the kind of weather that you know better than to straighten your hair, but your hair never really gets wet.  

I love those mornings. 

A perfect day to sit in a coffee shop, drink some hot tea, and read a good book.  sigh. 


It's funny how the weather can determine our moods, and can dramatically change how we relate to one another.  Why should the sun or snow determine our friendships and quality of life?

Rain makes us do funny things.

I grin (rather stupidly) at my computer as I remember last month's rainstorm.  The joy on all of the campers faces when they saw the rain and ran out in it, to find that they were already knee deep in water.  To hear them laugh as they canoed across camp.  To see some of them praying on the dock in the storm, because when they are in the middle of the storms they can sense their maker's presence.  Why must we grow up? 

Or last night, when a guy from my high school was trapped out in the rain.  We may not have talked in over six years, but like I said, rain makes us do funny things. So he called me.  Logical? Maybe not. 

But sometimes being illogical is the most logical. 

Thank you for enlightening me, rainy weather. 

Present.

I want to live. 

Really live. 

Live in the here and now, in the present.  


My friends try so hard to have a relationship with me by reminding me of the good times we had. When all I want to do is move on. 

Why can't they? 

The pain is like scratching a sunburn. 

Like this one group of friends: last summer, we were all carless and it was raining. Logically, we thought it was a good idea to walk to Wendy's while it was dark and raining.  Sure, we had a great time. And sure, it ended up being one of the greatest memories of my summer. But trying to set up the same circumstance this summer? Really? Can't we create new memories? Must we always live in the past? 


But then again, I cannot be hypocritical. 

I live in the future, and is that any better? 

When I was in high school, all I wanted to do was go to college.  Now that I'm in college, all I want to do is get married. And once I'm married, I'll be more than ready to move on to the next stage.   

Will I ever be content? 

I'm always ready to move on. For change. For the next big thing- not for the next big thing in pop culture crap, but for the next big thing in my life.  I get so bored with my life.  Even when it's not boring, I find myself comfortable with where I am, and I don't like that.  When I'm comfortable, I cannot grow.  And so I purposely create discomfort for myself.  

 "Life 

is 

what 

happens 

when 

you're 

busy 

making 

plans" 

-John Lennon

I'm always making plans. Always looking forward to the next thing. And I'm finding my life quickly fleeing away.  I find myself two decades old with nothing to show for it. 
I know I'm still young. I'm so young. But before I know it, I'll find myself on my death bed, still waiting for my life to begin.  


Is it so wrong to live for tomorrow, though? 

"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." - James 4:13-14 (nlt)

Bible wins again. 

Suffocating.

There always has to be a worst.


Be it a worst smell, a worst color, a worst car, 
and a worst summer.  


I miss life as I used to know it. I miss the easy, breezy life I used to live with the perfect friendships, the perfect grades, the perfect family, and the perfect life.  
I miss being the best at everything.  Not because I like being the best at everything, but because there were no problems to deal with.  


There has been too much growing up in too little time.  


√ (1) friend who comes out of the closet to me... and only me.
√ (1) roommate who's struggling to find a reason not to call it quits.
√ (1) brother who is not understood by anyone. 
√ (2) best friends with eating disorders.
√ (1) workaholic dad with anger management issues.
√ (1) mom who's bedridden and desperate for attention.  
...
and this all makes for 1 perfect disastrous recipe. 




And as much as it's been questioned lately, (no), I'm (not) depressed. And (no), I have (not) "changed." 
...okay...
maybe I've lied a little bit.  But they were just to protect those I love. 
Or maybe just to protect myself.  


Those near me are worried about me because I would rather spend my time with myself or my creator than with a group of imperfect people.  And I'm worried because it doesn't bother me. I know it sounds crazy, but if I had the choice, I'd spend my time without myself as well, 'cause I'm sick of myself. 


Oh, God! Please save me from myself! I'm suffocating down here! 


I struggle to find any joy. 


but if the first fruit of the spirit is joy, and I'm not showing any fruit (aside from fake fruit, of course), is the spirit really in me?


 I can see the devil attacking me from all sides-internally and externally- but I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight back. In fact, I know I'm not. But God is... 
even when I don't see him working? 


I'm past exhausted- spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. And this is not okay with all the other crap that's been going on in my life. 


So when I tell people my summer's going good, this is really what I want to tell them. And now I'm sick of hearing myself. 




"Will you think less of me if I tell you how I feel?
I'm as tired as a winter branch is in the trees in the field
That for so long have had to cary such a load 
and fear they may break at the next coming snow
There is love
There is beauty
And there is pain
and at the moment I can't help but feel 
that they are all the same."
-Bradley Hathaway